Relationship Therapy

Relationships shape us.

Long before we began dating, living with partners, or building families of our own, we were already learning what relationships felt like. We learned whether conflict felt safe or frightening, whether it felt safe to have needs, whether emotions were welcomed or avoided, and how we learned to protect ourselves when relationships became difficult.

Much of this learning happened long before we had words for it.

As adults, these early experiences continue to influence how we communicate, respond to conflict, express love, trust others, set boundaries, and understand ourselves.

Relationship therapy is an opportunity to slow things down and begin making sense of these patterns. Not to decide who is right or wrong, but to better understand what has been happening between you—and within each of you.

You might recognize yourself here...

Perhaps you've been thinking things like:

• I don't feel heard or understood.

• I avoid bringing important things up because it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

• We're having the same conversation over and over again.

• I don't know what I need anymore.

• I feel lonely, even though I'm in a relationship.

• I spend so much time trying to explain myself.

• Everything somehow becomes my responsibility.

• I don't trust my own judgment the way I used to.

• I know something doesn't feel right, but I can't quite explain why.

• I miss feeling like we're on the same team.

• We keep having the same arguments and never seem to get anywhere.

If these thoughts feel familiar, you're not alone.

Making sense of relationship patterns

We all develop ways of navigating relationships.

Some people learn to avoid conflict. Some become highly independent. Some work hard to keep everyone happy. Some move closer when they feel disconnected, while others pull away when they feel overwhelmed.

There's usually a good reason we've come to respond the way we do.

Many of these ways of coping were very intelligent adaptations to whatever was happening back during our early programming (AKA our families). These adaptations helped us manage the relationships we grew up in and the experiences we had. Some still serve us well. Others may now be getting in the way of the kind of relationships we want to create.

Rather than asking, "What's wrong with us?" we'll become curious about a different question:

"How did each of us come to make sense of relationships in the way we do?"

That question often changes everything.

Learning to understand one another

One of the most meaningful shifts I see in relationship therapy is not simply that people communicate differently.

It's that they begin to understand one another differently.

Most people don't set out to misunderstand the people they love. We simply see one another through the lens of experiences that shaped us.

When we're hurt, overwhelmed, or disconnected, it's easy to conclude that our partner doesn't care, is too sensitive, doesn't listen, or refuses to change.

Sometimes those explanations are accurate.

Often, they're incomplete.

Together we'll slow these moments down. We'll become curious about what each person is experiencing underneath their reactions. We'll explore each person's history, nervous system, emotional world, and the ways they've learned to protect themselves.

As each person develops a more accurate understanding of themselves and their partner, something often begins to shift.

Empathy grows.

Conflict becomes easier to repair.

People begin responding to the person sitting across from them, rather than to the assumptions they've been carrying.

Healthy relationships aren't relationships without conflict.

They're relationships where people continue learning how to understand, support, and respond to one another with increasing accuracy and care.

Relationship difficulties take many forms

• Some people come because communication has broken down.

• Some are trying to rebuild trust.

• Some feel more like roommates than partners.

• Some feel disconnected from themselves within the relationship.

You don't need to know exactly what's happening before coming to therapy.

Part of our work together is making sense of it.

Others find themselves questioning their own perceptions, apologizing more than feels reasonable, feeling responsible for keeping the peace, or noticing that their confidence has gradually become smaller. They know something isn't right, but struggle to put it into words. (In this case, it is best to begin with individual therapy.)

(If some of this feels familiar, you may also find my article on confusing and controlling relationship dynamics helpful.)

Individual or couples therapy?

Some people come to individual therapy to understand their experiences of their relationships on their own.

Many attend together as a couple.

Both approaches can be valuable.

Individual therapy focuses on understanding the relationship patterns you bring with you, strengthening your relationship with yourself, and exploring new ways of showing up in your relationships.

Couples therapy focuses on helping both people better understand themselves, better understand one another, and become more supportive teammates. As understanding grows, communication often changes naturally because each person is responding to a clearer picture of the other.

Note that if I am your individual therapist, I cannot also become your couples therapist. If you later decide you'd like to attend together, I'm happy to recommend trusted colleagues.

My approach

I don't believe relationship difficulties are usually the result of one person being "the problem."

More often, people become caught in patterns that once made sense but now leave them feeling hurt, misunderstood, or alone.

Together we'll become curious about those patterns.

We'll explore what happens during conflict, what each of you is trying to protect, and how your earlier experiences continue to influence the ways you relate today.

The goal isn't perfect communication.

The goal is a more accurate understanding of yourselves and each other.

From that understanding often comes greater empathy, healthier boundaries, more effective repair after conflict, and a deeper sense of connection.

Couples and relationship structures

I work with individuals, couples, and consensually non-monogamous and other relationship structures. LGBTQ2S+, straight, polyamorous, and other relationship structures are all welcome.

Is this the right fit?

My practice is generally a good fit for people who are interested in becoming more curious about themselves, their partners, and the patterns shaping their relationships.

I do not specialize in relationships where conflict has become highly volatile or where conversations regularly involve yelling, intimidation, or threats. In those situations, individual support or anger management is often a better first step before beginning couples therapy.

Relationships don't usually change all at once.

People rarely do, either.

But as things begin to make more sense—as you become better observers of yourselves, your partner, and the patterns you've both been living inside—you often find yourselves relating differently.

Not because someone gave you better lines to say.

Because you're seeing one another more clearly.

Sometimes, that's where lasting change begins.

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Want to read more? — Often individual struggles impact your closest relationships, so you may benefit from individual therapy related to anxiety, depression, or early childhood experiences.