People Pleasing & Boundaries
Many people describe themselves as "people pleasers."
Usually they don't mean they enjoy being thoughtful or kind.
They mean they have a hard time disappointing people.
Saying no feels uncomfortable.
Asking for what they need feels selfish.
Speaking honestly feels risky.
They often find themselves taking care of everyone else while quietly wondering why they feel so exhausted, resentful, or disconnected from themselves.
If this sounds familiar, there is probably a good reason.
You may notice things like...
You worry about disappointing people.
You say yes before you've had time to think.
You replay conversations long after they're over.
You apologize even when you've done nothing wrong.
You avoid conflict whenever possible.
You feel responsible for how other people feel.
You often know what everyone else needs, but struggle to know what you need.
You hear yourself thinking, "I should..." throughout the day.
You feel guilty when you put yourself first.
You sometimes wonder why saying something so simple can feel so difficult.
These aren't character flaws.
They're often adaptations that once made a great deal of sense.
How does this pattern make sense?
None of us arrives in adulthood from nowhere.
We all learn a lot about relationships as children.
Maybe keeping the peace felt safest.
Maybe someone else's emotions became your responsibility.
Maybe love felt more available when you were helpful, easy-going, or low maintenance.
Maybe expressing your needs led to criticism, conflict, or being ignored.
Children become remarkably skilled at adapting to the environments they grow up in.
The problem is that the strategies which helped us stay connected and safe growing up can quietly continue into adulthood, long after they're no longer needed.
When choice starts to disappear
Many people already know what healthy boundaries could be.
That's usually not the problem.
The difficulty is that, in the moment, it doesn't feel like there is a choice.
You might know you technically could say no.
But it doesn't feel like you can.
Instead, you hear thoughts like:
"I should attend that event, help with their thing, or say yes to that request."
"I should keep the peace."
"I don’t want to make a big deal when something bothers me."
"I should be able to handle this.”
“I should not be upset by this."
"I shouldn't upset them."
When we become curious about these thoughts, we often discover something important.
They usually aren't just preferences.
They're predictions.
If I say no...
...they'll be disappointed.
...they'll think I'm selfish.
...they'll become angry or silent or withdrawn or critical (etc).
...they'll leave.
...I'll feel overwhelming guilt.
Over time, saying yes can stop feeling like a choice and start feeling like the only safe option.
And, a great many of us do not know what healthy boundaries are or might sound like.
(I had to learn it myself at age 25 — in therapy!)
Therapy isn't about teaching you to say no.
It's about helping you understand why saying no feels so difficult in the first place.
We'll become curious about the patterns you've developed, what your nervous system has learned, and what your mind believes it's protecting you from.
As your understanding becomes more accurate, something interesting often happens.
You begin to notice choices that didn't seem available before.
Not because you've forced yourself to change.
Because you understand yourself better, and feel more empowered in your life. Establishing boundaries comes more easily.
Boundaries become a choice.
One of the biggest fears people have is that they'll become selfish if they stop putting everyone else first.
That almost never happens.
Instead, people often become more genuine.
Sometimes you'll choose to help.
Sometimes you'll compromise.
Sometimes you'll say no.
The important difference is that the choice begins to feel like yours.
Our work together
Therapy isn't about becoming someone with perfect boundaries.
It's about developing a more accurate understanding of yourself.
As you begin to understand why these patterns developed, you often discover that you have more choice than you realized.
And with more choice comes greater freedom.
Freedom to say yes when you mean yes.
Freedom to say no when you mean no.
Freedom to care for other people without losing yourself in the process.